Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
