at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
