I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
