She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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