I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
