i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm really busy with my period
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