I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
