Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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