Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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