1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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