I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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