Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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