I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
