apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
