I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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