Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
