I'm going to jail i love you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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