we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize