I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
