I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
