Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
