I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
