Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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