I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
