i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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