That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
