thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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