Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
This is not my ceiling
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
