Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
