I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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