He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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