i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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