im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
