The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
whose ass print is on the piano?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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