Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
