he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
