I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Will exercising make me less horny?
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