i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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