dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
