You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
