meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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