I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
