I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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