My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
