I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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