The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
