We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
