Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
