He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
