Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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