Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
