I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
BRING THE BAGELS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
