I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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