I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
