I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
