when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
