Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
